Onlookers were stunned on Sunday, March 29, when the famous Scottish lake monster, affectionately known as Nessie, broached the waters of the equally famous Ala Wai Canal.
ASD was first on the scene, bringing you these exclusive photos.
We were soon joined by noted Isle cryptozoologist Sigmund Zack, who said he was alerted by postings on the private social media channel of a secretive monster hunter society.
“I never thought I’d see the day!” said Zack. “I had been saving up all my Atmos Rewards miles for a trip to Scotland and now this happens — amazing!”
The creature kept perfectly still, head in the air, as if embarrassed to be caught in the open in broad daylight.
Isn’t Nessie a little far from home? we asked.
“It’s 42 degrees in Loch Ness,” says noted Isle cryptozoologist Sigmund Zack. “That’s Fahrenheit, it’s sounds even worse in Centigrade, just 5 or 6 degrees! So the question isn’t, ‘Why would Nessie swim 7,000 miles to vacation in Waikīkī?” it’s ‘Why wouldn’t he?”
Zack speculated on the beast’s route across the Atlantic, down the Eastern Seaboard, through the Panama Canal, past Easter Island, finally arriving in the Islands with uncanny navigational skill. Was Waikīkī its final destination?
He shrugged. “There’s just so much we don’t know about Nessie. Its mating habits, its taste in streaming content, its connection, if any, to Big Foot. So many blanks to fill!”
Could Nessie pose a threat? If, as theories suggest, the lake monster is a Plesiosaurus, a living fossil from the Jurassic period, it’s likely to be carnivorous.
At that, Zack narrowed his eyes and dashed off a quick text message to unknown parties.
“I want to assure people,” he said to ASD, “that Nessie would never use its long neck, jagged teeth, lightning reflexes and propulsive swimming ability to pluck people from the sidewalk in a flash and drag them down into the Ala Wai as a snack. Not joggers, not kids, definitely not pets. And definitely not at night, when no one would notice. Nope. Definitely not.”
A crowd had gathered. Someone noted that the long neck and apparent humps of the sinewy serpent looked suspiciously like a log carried into the canal by the recent Kona Low deluge.
Zack threw up his hands.
“That’s just what the government wants you to think!” he exclaimed. “Listen, people, and look at these photos,” he said, taking ASD’s iPhone and rummaging through the photos without so much as a thank you.
“The first photo is from 2:48 p.m. and the creature is clearly facing makai, looking into the feeding grounds — I mean, excuse me, the scenery — of Waikīkī. Then, just 12 minutes later, he is photographed again — by a journalist, mind you — this time facing mauka, possibly toward the ball field for leaner prey, I mean, where people play.
“Now, you tell me, what kind of log can change direction on its own, huh? Only flippers can do that!”
As he wrapped up on that conclusive, scientific point, Zack handed back ASD’s phone, took one last look at the bleached, scaly, possibly bark-like hide of the beast and walked off in a hurry.
Happy April Fools’ Day, everyone!
A. Kam Napier can be reached at kam@alohastatedaily.com.
